By Osundolire Ifelanwa
9 And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou should not eat?
12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
12b And woman said unto the man, did I not ask thee before thou eateth whether or not thou so desire the fruit?
12c Thou liest, the man said to the woman. I told thee that it was forbidden but thou said it wouldest make us wise and that it was good for food because thou art ate of it. Didst thou not say that?
13 And the Lord God [ignored them both and] said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
13b And the man made a face to the Lord God as if to say, Did I not tell you? But the Lord stared him down and he kept still.
14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of their life:
14b But why hast thou not given me the chance to have my say? Sayeth the serpent to the Lord God. I only told the woman of that which will be if she eateth, I deceiveth her not.
14c The Lord God ignoreth the serpent and continued to speak, because God knoweth the serpent more than the man or the woman and knoweth that the serpent lieth from the beginning of the world
14d Thus the Lord spake unto the serpent;
15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
15b The man cast a glance at his heel as the Lord God saith this and the woman heaved a sigh of relief knowing that the serpent hath received a grave sentence for having deceived her thus. But the Lord God continued;
16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee
16b On hearing this, the woman fainted. The Lord God continued in speech knowing that the woman joketh. On seeing the Lord God’s countenance, the man turneth in his stomach for he knoweth his own sentence cometh
17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
17b And the man spake: But Lord, shouldest not I listen to the voice of my wife again? Didst thou not give her to me as helper? Why have I received such grave sentence when the woman (the man pointeth to the woman who was still a-fainteth) whom thou gave to me only receiveth sorrow in conception?
17c And the Lord respondeth, Wouldest thou prefer to conceive in sorrow and thine sentence passeth on to the woman instead?
17d The man shaketh his head, unsure of what it was to be in sorrow in conception but knowing that he wanteth not the woman’s lot. And thus the Lord God continued
18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field:
19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
19b On hearing this, the man fainteth too
Osundolire Ifelanwa has taken liberty to poke some fun on the Bible and some of our most revered biblical characters, having a strong belief that God enjoys a little fun too. He takes full responsibility for the indented verses, which by the way are not in the Christian Bible. If thine sensibilities are offended or thou considereth this blasphemous, walk to thine junction and huggeth thine transformer. Selah
Ifelanwa is an architect and a writer, among several other things.