Ten things all Nigerian fathers have in common.

I sneaked into the Nigerian Fathers’ Association (NFA) meeting the other day with an extra-large shirt, a fake mustache and paunch, and white patches in my hair. They couldn’t tell I wasn’t one of them, even you would not have been able to tell.

So at the meeting, all Nigerian fathers gave reports and got instructions on the things they could agree to do to all their children. I was scribbling down quickly, but was lucky to catch ten. This is top secret, so I trust you’d keep it so.

1. “Does he have two heads?” This is the question they are supposed to ask if a boy beats you in class, at a sport or at anything at all. This must also be accompanied by a stern look. It works wonders.

Don't be silly.

Don’t be silly.

2. “If you come first next term, I will buy it for you.” This promise right here is what every Nigerian father tells their children. Of course, fulfilling it is a different story entirely.

Just name it and you can take it.

Just name it and you can take it.

3. i) “Let’s watch the news.” This one may vary with language. I would have added NTA there somewhere, but fathers are now evolving, watching Channels and CNN. Whatever the case, news is a constant, even if everyone is watching ‘My Heart Beats For Lola’.

3. ii)”Pass me the remote.” This usually goes hand in hand with 3i above. So, say you’re watching Africa Magic and there is all-important news to be watched, the Nigerian father could  simply just order you to pass the remote. Please, harden not your heart. I warn you.

This what eventually happens though. Always.

This is what eventually happens though. Always.

4. “Ahn-ahn, what do you need all that money for?” This one is self explanatory. They most likely would still give you the money, but you have to give account.

You think you can cheat me?

You think you can cheat me?

5. “Who is there? Come and pack my plates!” A Nigerian father never clears his plates. I repeat, a Nigerian father never clears his plates. How can he, when you have been born with a gift of plate-packing? My fren, get in there and clear plates for Daddy. You just might find meat.

6. “You are looking take-away.” This part caused a bit of a debate at the meeting. Some fathers insisted they cannot be using sweet words like beautiful and gorgeous, and would rather mask it with take-away, whatever that means. Others insisted these men were not romantic enough. So the leader said they should all go and do what their hearts tell them.

Ah-Ah, o try gan ke.

Ah-Ah, o try gan ke.

7. “When I was your age…” This tales by moonlight feature is a constant with every Nigerian father. It is usually followed by stories of how they did something laudable, and you wonder how they all came first in their classes. Did they attend one-man schools?

I passed all my courses with distinction. I was the best student.

I passed all my courses with distinction. I was the best student.

8. BCs, BCs, BCs. This is the favorite hobby of every Nigerian father with children who own phones. Even when you already saw the BC five years ago, they would still tell you it’s urgent. They could call you just to tell you to “read the BC I sent to you on Wozzop”. They’re awesome like that.

Sigh. No words.

Sigh. No words.

9. “So where do you work now?” This question is usually directed towards friends or suitors of their children. Don’t come and say self-employed; you will be cancelled. Say law firm, hospital, bank, oil company, and yours is the kingdom.

Who's your daddy?

Who’s your daddy?

10. “Where is he from?” As a female, the moment you tell your dad you have a best friend who is of the opposite sex, this is the first question they would ask. They won’t even ask for the name, or if the person is going to be their future son-in-law. What is most important for now is where he comes from.

Don't bring 'kogbede' to my house o!

Don’t bring ‘kogbede’ to my house o!

 

What does your Nigerian dad do that isn’t on this list? Add them in the comments.

We’re a little late, but HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all fathers. You mean the world to us.