Birthday greeting rules (culled from my bestseller, ‘Greeting Rules for Dummies’ .)

So, naturally, as the nice person that I am, and because I am in a good season of my life, I have decided to share with you these life-changing tips on how to give and receive birthday messages. Normally, I would trade these shimmery pieces of valuable information for plus-sized pounds and dollars, beht an Ife that cannot do promo a day to her birthday is not an Ife. So, nah… Don’t mention. 😁


1. It is better to say nothing at all than to send ‘HBD’ on someone’s baiday. HBD screams: ‘I have a life, you don’t, so I’m just going to throw this in your face and see how you grapple for it.’
It says: ‘Ngwanu, take dis tin and let me rest.’
It says: ‘I don’t really think your head is correct, so let me not waste words on you. Kuku manage these three letters. E go be.’
Never ever send HBD. If you can’t write it in full, don’t write it at all.

2. Some people will be extraordinarily sweet with their birthday messages. You don’t realize how much you mean to them, and a birthday is always a good opportunity for them to let you know. Don’t go and pour cold pure water on their morale and say ‘tnx’ under it, or more annoyingly, ‘tnx dear’.
They may not unfriend you or get theatrical and block you, but in their hearts, the resolve to never bother with you again will be strong like that panadol extra Solo guy. In fact, they might stop talking to you altogether. It can pain reash laidat.
To avoid these kind of stories that shake the kidney, kindly match the tone of the messages you receive. If they say they admire you, say you appreciate them. It could take you a year to reply if you’re like Enwongo with many friends, but you’ll finish one day and the whole world will clap for you. Thank God for the love button, you can use that one too, instead of haphazard half-hearted replies.

3. Last but not least, please and please and please, biko, ejor, abeg, do not ask ‘where is my cake?’ after the message. It is a number one hand-faller. First, it is the celebrant’s cake, not yours. Secondly, issi you dah buy it? What makes you think yaa entitled to vanilla and chocochoco and icing sugar? Don’t play rough play o. Thirdly, it is the grandmother of all clich├ęs. Be more creative iyeah? Fourthly, who even said the celebrant has cake sef? What if it is only bean cake and garri cake the person can afford? You wee na be making the person to be thinking on their own baiday fa. And you want to make heaven o. Fear God na.

This is where we stop on today’s lecture. You have questions, credit my akant and we can talk. Meanwhile, the store in my basement is now open to all kinds of birthday gifts, plus car and house. Tainz a very plenty.

Wanna purchase my bestseller? Indicate in the comments for a discount. 😁😁