Imagine someone came to you and asked you in the most polite manner, with puppy eyes to match:

‘Uncle Bonsue, please gimme your candy so I can crush it.’

What will you do? No, close your eyes for a moment and actually think about it.
Haha…just messing with you. How many Nigerians know candy sef. Na so so pongila and pambolanbola. Razzoids, all of una!

Oya, see candy. Yes, this is what it looks like. Nah, don’t mention. :p

Okay. So it’s almost 3 in the morning, and my eyes are wide open, shining their light like fluorescent lamps. And naturally, you’d think I was doing something worthwhile:

‘She’s probably reading that book about the socio-economic status of rice and plantain.’

‘Ife is writing a scholarly article about lives and times of Baba Segi’

‘That girl, I know her. She’s praying for the safe return of members of the anti-boko-Haram CDS group of Bayelsa who went to the war front in khakis and over-sized jungle boots. Heck, those guys only had water guns!’

Well, I hate to disappoint, but I’m doing none of the above. Tonight, I am up doing one thing and one thing only…

drum roll

…wait for it…

…wait just a little longer…

CANDY CRUSHing!!! Yay!

(Like you didn’t already know.)

I keep asking myself one serious question: How did I get here? Just how? I remember how annoyed I used to get when I check my Facebook notifications and find that a certain Ismail Ogbonna Dolapo had invited me to play Candy Crush. It was such a pain. Between then and now, what changed? Choi! Ife see ya life!

The other day, a friend jokingly called Candy Crush demonic. I wanted to blow up his face with the fire in my fists. When I started seeing those candies in my dreams, however, I really began to give it serious thought.

So imagine my joy when I found this photo online saying there was a Candy Crush rehab.

It even has a fresh green lawn I can play on. Oh groly groly!

I’m ecstatic. I’m going there to get my addiction problem sorted. Oh, and I’m taking my phone with me in case the sessions get boring. I wouldn’t wanna doze off while we’re seated in a circle listening to a lanky lean fellow (LLF) say:

LLF: My name is Ogbonna Dolapo Ismail, and I am a Candy Crush addict.

All: Hi, Ogbonna Dolapo Ismail.

LLF: I started playing Candy Crush fifteen years ago on my 3310 Nokia phone. Then, it was in black and white and wasn’t as fun as the ones you have nowadays, but I managed. You see, I had a dog named Scuffy. He was hairy and black…. My daughter’s nanny wears her gowns inside out. She has a short memory, so sometimes she forgets what side should be in or out…

All: Hmmm…

Nahh! Can’t deal. While LLF is rattling on about his miserable life, I’ll hide my phone in my bag on my lap, and secretly play Candy Crush. And just like that, the world will be a better place to live in.

Candy Crush my Candy Crush!