I don’t know my way

Let me make a quick confession.

I don’t know my way. I mean, I know the way; Jesus is the way. Around life, I can’t say I know so much.

Exactly a week ago, I got a pair of scissors and chopped off my hair of eleven years. Earlier today, I went to the barber’s and cut me a so-low man-style hairstyle. I needed something to change, anything. I just knew the hair had to go at this phase of my life, and I had to do away with it. I don’t know if it’s a good idea now, looking at myself in the mirror, but hey, I showered and the water touched my scalp. That can never be a bad thing.

It has been nearly nine months since I last posted. It is not because I don’t have stuff to write or say. I am still constantly in touch with my Facebook page, sharing my thoughts, struggling with sleep, laughing at myself, making my observations known and making people laugh. But on this blog, this same space I got for the purpose of doing just that, it has been hard. And there’s just one reason (you should know it by now. Wait, you don’t? Okay, I’ll tell you this one last time):

I don’t know my way.

I mean, I do. It is my blog after all, and I have all the login details and whatnot. But I don’t, because every time I put pen to paper (or is it finger to laptop now), I find my words freezing in position in my head, my doubts coming to the fore, asking me if I want to be brutally honest about the fact that I get unsure about life, about my journey, about what I even want the blog to be, about the parts of me I want to share… about everything.

Last year, after trying so hard and failing to be bare with myself on this space, I resorted to doing reviews. I mean, I have been doing reviews professionally for up to three years now, I might as well just do them for my blog and create content that doesn’t reflect how unsure I am. Then one day, I just gave up. I threw my hands up and said, ‘you know what? I’m just gonna deal with my thoughts inwards, ask Jesus and navigate through this whole maze’. Then nine months stood up and quickly rolled over those hands.

But as I walked back from the barber’s today, I had to admit to myself that I was indeed unsure of my way, and that I wasn’t alone. It couldn’t just be me alone who woke up on some mornings and felt utterly confused about the trajectory of their life, who just wanted to go away for a while from the world, to pause time and shut off every human interaction, to cover their head with a pillow and disappear for a while till the coast was clear, to know what exactly to say and do to make the world okay.

Where to go? Where to go?

Where to go? Where to go?

And when I realized this, I knew I had to reunite with this space again. This is my space, where I should be free to bare my soul and not flinch, to talk about how much I know, or don’t know, help myself, and maybe help someone there too.

So I hope I keep it up. I hope I get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I hope I love this new look eventually, enough to maybe share it with you. And I hope I find my way, as you do too.