The age-altering naija-born I

n my whole life, I’ve been to just two countries. I’m giving you this unsolicited info so as to avoid making a fallacy of hasty generalizations. Hence, I implore those who have been to more countries to make concrete my
observation, which is: na only for this Naija wey people no dey proud of them age! I lie? No oh, somebody must to confirm am today o! Na lie, abi na true?
*arms akimbo, shaking one leg impatiently, chewing gum recklessly with an over-made-up face and looking from side to side*

Okay, una no wan talk abi? No yawa o!

I came prepared.

So we have Sadiku the football star. He has lived in the village for most of his life and played football with the other village kids almost throughout the said duration. He has quietly dreamed of becoming a football star, but as he is beginning to grow older, he wonders if his fantasies will ever really see the light of day. Then just as it happens in Nollywood, Uncle Ameen in the city wakes up one morning and realizes that his fifteen year-old business is incomplete without Sadiku (as though his mind was dead before) and he heads for the village in his Infinity jeep to pick him up. And you bet his parents just released him without any second thoughts. Afterall, they are still strong enough to handle their farms themselves even though his father is a septuagenarian and his mum is almost sixty! (I wish)

Anyway, fast forward to a few weeks later and Sadiku’s lifelong dream of being a football star is beginning to come true. He is about to be signed into the under-seveenteen Nigerian eaglets team. Sadiku will be 28 in three months and his face clearly shows it but as his football age, he has documented 16yrs! Haba! Who is fooling who?

Pause that scene for a while, we’ll get back to him.

Let’s have Risi strut her stuff to the stage like a runway model. She is about to have a real-life date with her new facebook love. They’ve been dating online for a while now and Mr fine-boy thinks it’s time to see and maybe take the relationship up a notch. So Risi is seen settling down in the proposed place of meeting- an eatery in the Lagos metropolis. Her makeup is totally excessive, as though it was for a masquerade festival. Her clothe is revealing of some upper flesh around the chest, and some lower flesh called thighs. As it looks, madam is dressed to kill, or is it dressed to convince? (We don’t even know which one sef)

Enter Mr fine-boy, completely living up to his name in a skinny pair of jean trousers, a pure white polo shirt and snicker to match. He’s looking fresh like he just had a bath or more like a big white wedding cake. He walks in with all the swag in his back pocket, looks around and then brings out his phone. He’s thinking, ‘Richie, my babe isn’t here yet. Where could she be?’ Then he puts a call through to ‘Richie’ (or is it Risi) and receives the shock of his twenty-year old life. Risi picks up and says she’s around, she can see him, blah blah. He suddenly catches sight of her smiling and waving, and he’s wondering ‘tani mama yii?’
Turns out the lady whose pictures he had been seeing and the lady he is seeing are completely varying homo sapiens! Her facebook status says she’s eighteen, her ‘nowbook’ status says she’s thirty-two. Her facebook status says she’s Richie, turns out her real name is Risi! Who is fooling who?

I will come back o, story never finish…