I must be missing something.

Schoolboy comes home with brown teeth from too much chocolates. His mother looks him over and wrinkles her nose in disgust. Then she goes in and returns with a tube of toothpaste (usually with a three-syllable name)and a knowing smile, as if to say ‘Everything is great with the world, baby’). She spreads the head of the toothbrush with toothpaste and dude runs it over his teeth like three times, and tada! They have transformed into tiny shiny diamonds!

Oshey, teeth transformer!

Young oyinbo-pepper woman stands under a shower or lies in a bathtub and rubs a soap over her laps in slow motion as soft music plays in the background. Then she steps out of her house and everyone starts looking at her like they have seen mammy-water on dry land and she keeps smiling and whipping her weave as she waves to some of the onlookers. One of them even throws her a wink, the hunk in a suit. Just laidat.
Oshey, body shiner!

of course, her eyes must be shut too.

The one that annoys me the most is this woman who adds a kind of seasoning to her food. She doesn’t even wait for the food to done. She just mixes it with a ladle, and next thing, we see a huge plate of egusi with plenty meat and people oohing and aahing. We don’t even know how the meat got there o, maybe it’s the seasoning that turned to meat, we don’t know. We just find that her food looks lovely, smells lovely and tastes lovely because she added something.

So, me sef, I did same. Used teeth-transformer toothpaste, body-shiner soap, abracadabra seasoning. Nothing happened. My teeth didn’t supernaturally sparkle, and I am still looking for that wink from the fresh hot man in an Armani suit. Even the stew doesn’t get miracle chicken. These guys have lied to us. Or am I missing something?

Well, I probably am not, which translates to the obvious fact that I have been duped. Adverts are so not trustworthy, even my insecticides take hours before they kill the mosquitoes they claim to murder in seconds. I am tayad. So I am summoning my lawyers. These people think it’s joke abi. Wait for me, I’m coming.